By Yael Reiss
Often children are referred to me with different problems, most involving anxiety. The doctors and psychologists refer the parents after treating the medical and emotional sides of the problem to the best of their abilities, but still some problems just persist. Common examples are: persisting pain after medical problem is solved, soiling, bed-wetting, tics, school refusal, sleep difficulties, etc.
There are helpful NLP and hypnotherapy techniques which can dramatically aid with these issues. And sometimes there is more to it than that.
As an NLP therapist I am very attuned to noticing unconscious patterns of thinking and behavior.
In some cases, there is a pattern I notice happening between parents/caregivers and children suffering from persisting anxiety and post-medical and habit-related problems.
When I detect this is the case, I say to the parents and the child in the session: There are a few ways to tackle this problem. The gentle way involves different NLP and hypnotherapy techniques and will require some sessions. I am very happy to take you through this way. I do feel I have to let you know that in some cases there is also another shorter way to tackle this problem. A way that will require less sessions, and has a very high likelihood of solving the problem and maybe even solve related issues as well.
BUT, it is not pleasant at all to hear it.
The shorter way involves facing the reflection of (often) unconscious patterns of behavior between children and parents/caregivers.
If you are open to looking into these sometimes unpleasant reflections, you may continue reading:
When I detect that:
The child has more than one or two hours of screen time a day.
The child bears very little responsibility: the child has to be told over and over again to complete simple daily routines such as brushing their teeth and getting ready for school/kindy on time; the child has no daily chores he/she has to accomplish, is a messy child that leaves it to others to clean up after them and/or is happy to sit in their messy rooms/undies, etc.
The child is very anxious, withdrawn, avoiding activities people or places.
The child has a very limited variety of food, very little, if any, quality nourishing foods, and too much refined carbs and sugars.
I suspect that these might be supporting the problems.
The biggest supporter of all problems is excessive screen time
Excessive screen time is when a child is engaged with screen activity more than 2 hours per day. When it is the first and last thing a child does as he/she wakes up in the morning and before bed, it’s probably the worst.
Below are links to just a few of many articles, with supporting research and insights into this observation I have made.
When children are involved in too much screen time they become, to a degree, emotionally and socially crippled. They become uninterested in reading, playing on their own and with peers. They are likely to become anxious and depressed and to feel unable to cope with little or big “normal” things that life naturally brings with it. Parents then tend to let these insecurities and fears dictate and limit life in the household, so the child doesn’t have to suffer. This creates a vicious cycle that enhances problems.
The solution
The solution lays in the parents’/caregivers’ willingness to come back a step or two towards ‘old school’ parenting. NO OLD SCHOOL PUNISHMENT is required, nor is it helpful typically. I’m talking about a parenting where, in some important matters, the parent instructs the child what to do, how much and when. A parent that is persistent and consistent. Children need parents to be parents, not friends. Children need parents to guide them and set them their boundaries and differentiate between right and wrong. This way children feel safe and secure, and develop into capable children, and then responsible and contributing adults.
In cases that it is a big change in parenting style, the child will often feel anxious and rebel with increasing symptoms and anxiety. Parents that will focus on the long term benefits and persist are highly likely to succeed and have long term symptom resolution, and happier more confident and capable children once over the hurdle of the beginning.
Food
Do not cook two meals, one for the family and a different one for the child. Cook only one meal and offer the child only nourishing food. Even if the child hates it, use the “if-you’re-hungry-you’ll-eat-it” strategy. Consistently. After the initial control struggle it will work. Be confident, be consistent. Don’t be scared of your child and don’t be your child’s friend. There is a reason children need parents. Children need parents to guide them and give them the boundaries and differentiate between right and wrong. It is of utmost importance in food. Food matters. Food related choices have a great impact on behaviour and emotion.
Screen Time
Limit their screen time to ONE hour a day (maximum of two hours daily on holidays).
Make it clear that that is the time limit. Make sure it is NOT in the morning and at least two hours before bedtime. Explain why. Let them bear the responsibility for staying within this time limit. For example, my 8 year old boy sets the timer on his tablet to one hour. If I somehow sense that he has spent more than that one hour and I find it to be true, he will pay for it with no screen time the following day. After being caught twice doing this, and paying the price, my son sticks to the screen time limit on his own…
If the child is bored without the screen – good! Let them now learn again how to occupy themselves with good entertainment: board games, Lego, toys, friends, outdoor activities such as riding, jumping on the trampoline, playing with the dog etc.
Let them cope.
Let them teach themselves to do the things we used to do before we let screens take over our lives.
(Below are links to just a few of many articles with supporting research and insights regarding screen time).
Caveman night-time
We are still not that far removed from our ancestors, the cavemen, cave-ladies and cave-kids… We are designed to wake up and go to bed with the sun. We are not nocturnal animals but bright light and screens fool our brains and bodies into being awake longer hours. That means less sleep. Less sleep means a lot of problems. Less sleep impairs sleep quality and creates sleeping problems, bedwetting, tiredness, decreased attention span, damages health and development and increases anxiety.
Make sure the lights around the house are dimmed from around 7pm, that screen time will finish two hours before bedtime.
We are social animals and were designed to gather together at night. Spend some quality time together at the dinner table, with the television off, and sit together to wind down peacefully before bedtime.
As you get into bed, close your eyes and take a few lovely breaths, with lllllllllong exhalations. Those long exhalations let your brain and body know you’re safe and it’s good to fall asleep now.
Chores
From a very young age, let the child bear responsibility for accomplishing daily chores. Out of respect and appreciation to you the reader, I am not going to elaborate on why it is of utmost importance and what kind of chores to give the child.
Never plead with your child
If the child is unwilling or seems incapable of waking up and getting ready on time, don’t plead. If it’s a young child, just calmly and firmly let them know that if by 7:50am they are not at the door dressed-up-teeth-brushed-and-ready-to-go, they are anyhow going to get into the car at 7:50am, smelly breath, pyjama dressed and with untidy hair. Do what you say, be persistent.
It’s not punishment. It is just being persistent and taking yourself seriously as a parent, not being scared of your child, showing good guidance and being a role model.
Let them cope
Many of us parents today tend to help too soon and try to prevent the child from bearing natural hardship on his or her own. There are times that a child needs the help or protection of his parents/caregivers, and there are times that it might be debilitating and crippling for the long term.
It is helpful to know how to distinguish when our aid is good or harmful:
Ask ourselves the question: By helping with that, am I making my child stronger or weaker?
If you reached this point in my post, I hope you will find it helpful.
I must share with you that I am a parent too, and I have caught myself too in sliding into befriending my children too much at times instead of giving them the boundaries and clear guidance they needed. Once I became aware of it, and gave it time and thought, I found it very helpful in helping my children be less anxious and much more confident and capable.
You are invited to respond with any further questions and thoughts.
Warmly,
Yael
Helpful links to just a few of many articles providing insights into the effects of excessive screen time:
Gray Matters: Too Much Screen Time Damages the Brain
The Impact Of Screen Time On Children – Australian Spinal Research Foundation
Tantrums and technology: screen time concerns for parents