Working in the Garden of Your Relationship
Couples Therapy Now Helps Generations to Come
By Yael Reiss
When I was 7 years old my parents split. Although it was a painful shock, it did not come completely as a surprise.
In my 20’s, I remember saying to my Dad that one day I’ll find a man and I’ll find the way to live happily ever after with him.
My father’s childhood with his parents as well as his relationship with my mother didn’t bring him to be a great believer in the reality of ‘happily ever after’. Still, he wished me behatslaha, which in Hebrew we say to mean: may success be with you.
And so, from early adulthood I somehow scanned the world around me to notice people who seem to enjoy their relationship. When I found such a person, I stopped and asked them ‘How do you do it? How do you make your relationship work so well?’ I did it while chatting to random people I met along the way, as well as in my research thesis for my Masters degree at uni.
In my early 20’s, while staying at a guest house in Holland for professional training, I heard an older colleague on the phone to her husband speaking in a very loving way. Of course I asked her if she was happy in her relationship, and how she achieved that. She replied: ‘A relationship is like a garden. You always have to water it, to weed, to fertilize, to pull something out and put something else instead, etc. It’s being willing to put this effort in continuously throughout the years‘. Also, she said ‘That is what helped us go through the first 30 difficult years, so now it is in a good flow, a bit like a mostly self-maintaining garden‘.
Well, I believe that one of the most important things in life is a couple’s relationship.
When a couple’s relationship is strained, when the ability to be relational with others in a healthy way is strained, life is impacted in many dimensions: physical health and general well being, quality of sleep, employment and more. Not only the person themselves have their life impacted by lacking ability to be relational and connected, but also everyone around them will be burdened by it: children, partner, ex-partner, students, employees, customers etc.
Children who grow up with parents that are caught in a dysfunctional relationship do not only suffer from being around their parents while they engage in this relationship. They learn and model this dysfunctional way of relating to others and will engage in it as children as well as duplicate it in this way or another in their couple relationships when they become adults. And so they pass it to their children and on it goes…
Hence, by working on their relationship, people are helping not only themselves, but also the generations to come. As most relational problems are “learnt” in childhood, couples with children do a great service to their children later on in life, as well as to their grandchildren to come, providing them a healthy role model and a healthy relational environment to grow up in and develop healthy ways of being relational from childhood onwards. (It’s a “pay for one, get four for free” kind of thing…)
I had to do this work myself as my parents didn’t work on their relational dysfunctionality and skills. I have been doing this work for myself, for my partner and for my children and grandchildren to come.
Relationality is my passion. I study and learn about it constantly and am passionate about becoming a champion at it in my own private life. And it is also my most important responsibility.
I believe one of our main responsibilities in life is to better ourselves as partners. (And after that to better our relational skills with our children and then with all others). I know it might sound big: I deeply believe it’s our way to make the world a better place. Imagine what would happen if all adult humans on our planet would be dedicated to better themselves in their relationship. Wouldn’t the world be a much better place?
My approach and the ways I work with couples and individuals on their relationships is refreshingly different from the mainstream. This work tends to start a shift quite quickly in many couples, and even cases in which a longer period of time is required for mending and healing the relationship, an important shift is likely to start form the first session.
Make great relationality your hobby and your passion
You are invited to start by coming to sessions to learn, explore, heal and better your relationality.
To know more about my approach to couples therapy visit my Couples Therapy page.
Information about my working hours and sessions cost is on my Contact page.
Feedback from Couples Therapy
Yael, our intimacy guru!
My partner and I contacted Yael after trying other psychologists for four years. We learnt a lot in that time but nothing close to what Yael taught us. She is a highly skilled professional who is incredibly knowledgeable. Yael helped us to unpack some really important parts of ourselves that we weren’t aware of, so that we could approach our relationship in a more loving way. Her magic has worked many times and we are so happy to be communicating really well and enjoying intimacy together, for the first time in a long time. I’m sure we will need her assistance again one day, but until then she has given us great tools to work on our relationship together. Yael saved our relationship and we are so grateful for her.
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