After years of suffering form a medical issue, not knowing what it was, and being unable to address it even after visits to various doctors, I finally found a doctor who accurately diagnosed the issue after only a few sentences from me. When this happened , it came as a great relief. I feel this is an extraordinary doctor. Issues that doctors diagnose are patterns of symptoms that come together. This doctor was the first one to just really listen, and so simply find the pattern in my symptoms. We tend to think of people who can find patterns in life as having extraordinary abilities. For them, it is easy and natural. It’s just playing and having fun. They cannot not see patterns in things, even if they tried. The patterns are right in front of them.
I enjoy seeing the “Copy-Pastes” in people’s lives.
When someone is talking about an everyday little predicament they had in the supermarket, or with a work colleague, or with a friend – I immediately register it with curiosity.
I then tend to do a little “internal Google search” and compare this little predicament to other little or big predicaments they have told me about in the past.
I look for the “Copy-Paste”:
What does this incident have in common with the other incidents I’ve heard about?
I may ask them: “Where in your childhood has this happened to you?” This is where I “Copy-Paste” the common theme – the gist of their predicament.
For example, if someone is terribly annoyed when being ignored in the supermarket, or by a friend, a work colleague, or a partner, or can’t stand it when her children are being ignored by their dad, I’ll ask her: “Who ignored you when you were a child?”
That’s when usually the tears will come to show us that we are in the right spot. This is the core of the matter, and now we can look into it and address the core. So simple.
If you would like to learn how to find the “Copy-Pastes” in life, join us at The Art of Seeing training.
In this training you are going to learn and practice this and much more, honing your skills of seeing people and yourself.
I believe every person has some natural “Jedi” seeing abilities, and that these can be practiced and improved.
You know how someone that is scared of dogs can walk down a street, and dogs will bark, as dogs smell and sense a person’s fear? A different person who is confident with dogs may walk down the same street and not be barked at. This is of course not always the case, it’s just something interesting to notice when it happens.
Similarly, humans also feel and see other people’s (and animal’s) emotions and thoughts.
When I walk on the footpath on my afternoon walks, I sometimes become curious to practice my “Jedi” Seeing abilities. I have a quick look at some of the other walkers on the footpath and guess something about them and their story. One of these times, a couple was sitting on a bench somewhat further down the footpath, and I sensed that they were breaking up. When I passed them as I was continuing my walk I could briefly hear her saying to him “in order for us to move forward…” I continued walking and just felt their hearts break as I moved on further down the path.
I call this the cloud effect, when we can feel other people’s energy and emotions. It’s unconscious. We all have mirror neurons in our brain that outside of our awareness mirrors the other person, getting into their shoes and experiences, without a prerequisite of consciously knowing anything about them. It’s a naturally occurring survival skill that keeps us informed about the intentions of the other person (or animal) that crosses our path. We are a social animal, and this skill is helpful not just for survival, but also for thriving socially by connecting with others through empathy. Empathy is guessing or having the ability to feel what the other person is feeling. Feeling the cloud of energy and emotions that they unconsciously bear within and around them.
We are not often taught to notice this or may even feel embarrassed to admit to ourselves that we feel people’s “clouds”.
I give little exercises in “cloud” awareness and curiosity to the participants of The Art of Seeing training. Just be curious and imaginative when you see people in the supermarket, on the footpath, at work, or anywhere really. Don’t dismiss what you perceive and don’t take it as truth. Just examine it openly and curiously.
You can start practicing this yourself now.
It may be a natural or ancient wisdom that is lost, but it is actually quite simple to practice, activate, and become good at. This is what we do at The Art of Seeing.
A participant in The Art of Seeing training told me: “What I’m really interested in, is being able to deeply see these patterns that you (Yael) pick up in less than a nanosecond, there’s so much gold in that.” I replied that this is exactly what I want the training to do for the participants of The Art of Seeing. The simple exercise above helps create a foundation that is important to have in order to eventually be able to pick up people’s patterns in a nanosecond.
Whether or not you are signed up for the training, you can start practicing now, and let me know how you go and if you have something interesting to share or have questions.
The Art of Seeing Training is where you will practice many interesting and different exercises as well as see me as I see you and others.
After repeated requests from my clients, today I am going to attempt to put in writing one of my most important metaphors and concepts for emotional well being and relationship wellbeing. So bear with me.
Let’s look at a situation where a child goes with a parent to the park, and during play has a fall and gets a big painful bloody scrape all over their elbow and forearm.
I’ll present here my observation of three parenting styles, which I call parenting styles A, B and See:
Parenting style A would look like this:
“Oh no!!! Oh no!!! You’re hurt! It’s terrible! Oh my God! It is so painful! I wish I could take away the pain from you! Look at all this blood! We’ll get you to the hospital and get it stitched up!”
This child will probably feel anxious and perhaps even panicked. They may know they are loved, but they will mostly feel more scared.
There is a covert unconscious underlying message here:
Pain shouldn’t be a part of life. It is not OK to have pain. Pain is too much for me as your parent.
Parenting style B would look like this:
“That’s nothing! Get over it! Stop crying! Don’t be a baby!”
Or, it could be ignoring or not responding much at all.
This child will probably feel ashamed and confused. The child is experiencing pain, and all this blood is scary, but they are told to not cry and they are told it is nothing, or they get no response while they are in pain and fear.
Interestingly enough, the covert unconscious underlying message here is the same as in parenting style A:
Pain shouldn’t be a part of life. It is not OK to have pain. Pain is too much for me as your parent.
Parenting style See would look like this:
“Oh, darling, that must hurt. And it also looks scary with all this blood. I know it hurts so much and it’s hard to believe it’s going to go away, but I’ve had those and I know the pain is going to go away in a few minutes. It will hurt for a few minutes and then it will go away on its own. It may still hurt later, but not nearly as much. The bleeding is also going to stop soon. It hurts a lot now, and soon the pain will go away, and you are going to be alright. Let’s get it washed, and then if you want you can get back to playing, and if you prefer, we can go back home and have a rest.”
The covert unconscious underlying message here is:
Pain is a part of life. Life has joy, and life has pain. (You play and you may get injured, and that’s ok). It’s completely ok to have pain, it’s just a natural part of life. It comes and then it goes away on its own when we just accept it when it comes and let it do what it needs to do in us.
And also: I’m here with you. It’s ok that you have pain. I’m here with you. I care about you. I’m not trying to fix you. I can’t take away your pain, this pain is yours. I’m completely ok with just being with you as you let the pain be.
This child will most likely feel validated, cared for, assured, loved. They will know it is ok to have pain, these things happen, I can deal with this pain, and I will be ok.
Next time something of that sort happens to this child they will know they can handle it and may regulate themselves well and get back to playing or feel fine with taking time to recover.
These are not only parenting styles. These are relational styles, in which we relate not only to children, but also to others, to partners, and most interestingly, to ourselves.
It is of course important to apply to any kind of pain: emotional, spiritual, social, etc. not only physical pain:
Let yourself and anyone else feel any emotion they feel, joyful or painful.
Acknowledge your or their pain and let yourself or them bear it, until it does what it needs to do and goes away. Don’t try to take it away or fix it straight away. Don’t try to shut it down or shame yourself or the other person for feeling what they feel or needing what they need. Don’t try to make it not OK that the person or you is feeling pain, emotional or other pain.
Be there with yourself or the other person as they experience the pain. Just be present. That’s all.
Applying this to ANXIETY is a very important example:
Parents who worry a lot when their child is anxious and try to make sure the child won’t become anxious, engage in parenting style A. They are scared of their child’s fear. And that unconsciously contributes to the child’s anxiety and exacerbates it and eventually creates anxious children. When a child sees that big person who gave them life being scared of their fear or pain, they get the sense that something may be really wrong with them.
Parents who ignore their child’s anxiety or tell the child to “just get over it”, are engaging in parenting style B. That creates shame in the child and they may learn to suppress emotions and be detached from emotions and shame others when others around them are having emotions.
Parents that SEE their child’s anxiety will first acknowledge it, saying: “I see you are scared / anxious / worried about this. I totally get this.” Then they will give permission for the child to have the pain of anxiety: “It is ok that you feel this way. All humans feel anxious at times, it’s a part of being a human being. It’s probably a good idea to give it a go even when you are scared, and let’s just see what happens.” In this way, SEEing parents help children to be ok with their pain of anxiety. They are a healthy role model of a calm stable leader in the presence of the pain of anxiety.
It is most important to parent your own anxious mind in style See, just as if it was a little scared child-part in you: when you’re anxious, don’t be scared of your anxiety and avoid (parenting style A). don’t be mad at yourself for being anxious (parenting style B). Just acknowledge that you are anxious, give yourself the permission to feel what you feel even if what you feel is the pain of anxiety. And then let yourself go ahead with what you’re anxious about while you allow your body to feel the fear.
It’s also worthwhile to relate in style See to your partner. Instead of panicking when your partner is complaining (style A), instead of telling them they are wrong and you are right and they have to understand that (style B), acknowledge what they are complaining about and how they must feel: “I get it that it frustrates you. It is frustrating, of course it is”. Then give them permission to have their pain: “you are allowed to be frustrated with me, how could you not be.” And then you want to parent yourself in style See at the same time: “it’s also ok that I feel scared when you complain. One of us can feel frustrated or angry and the other is allowed to feel scared at the same time. And we can still love each other at the same time.”
Parent style See is the calm stable leader. It’s your own calm stable leadership, and it will tend to be effective when relating to others.
In my work with people a big part is to learn to parent / relate in style See, to yourself, and to others, especially to children and partners, but essentially to anybody else such as clients and patients, managers and employees, or a random person you have to deal with. An important part of this work I do unconsciously during any interaction with my clients, in the session or even in text messages concerning technical matters.
I hope this is helpful to you.
You are welcome to continue exploring this in 1:1 and in couple’s sessions.
If you are intrigued and curious to know more and learn how to make parenting and relating style See your natural relational style with anyone, in any situation, join us in The Art of Seeing training.
You are welcome to write back and share your thoughts and ask any questions.
We can be filled with energy or depleted of energy as result of our many big and small decisions and choices throughout each day. Some of these decisions are not conscious.
Examples may be: a choice of word we say or write to someone can create an effect in us and in the other person, which may sometimes take away and waste good energy and in other cases a good choice of word has a great ability to give energy. A choice of food or a quantity of it may give us the energy we need, or ironically eating some foods or quantities will take away our energy. Some behaviours we engage with take our energy, and others fill us with energy.
We can practice and become more and more aware of and conscious of our own energy.
We can practice curiosity and ask ourselves: By doing X, Y or Z, do I later feel more energised or more depleted?
By replying to a challenging text message, I taste the effect that different word choices may have. I taste it by imagining my energy and the energy of the receiver while reading each word choice. This way it becomes clear which word choice is better not use in a specific situation, and which one may be giving everyone more energy. I have to mention that my observation is that if a choice is healthier for one person, sooner or later it will be healthier for the others involved.
When I feel a want for food, I pause and sense into my energy and become curious. What is the energy that I am missing right now that I am looking for in a food to fulfil me? Is my body in a need for energy such as proteins? carbs? sugars? hydration? Am I in a need for a break and recharging of energy by pampering myself and feeling pampered and well rested?
I then imagine making different choices, and their effect on my energy levels into the immediate and further future. The first choice I imagine taking and imagining its effect on my energy levels is my knee jerk response.
For example, in the afternoon once I finish my workday, I may feel a want for something sweet but my knee jerk will be to first reply to texts and emails etc. I imagine the energy that my knee jerk response will give me or take away from me. If I first reply to text and emails it will free my energy knowing it’s done, but it may mean I don’t have any time left for having something sweet.
I then imagine a few more options and their potential effect on my energy level: if I go for a walk after having my something sweet compared to going for a walk without having anything sweet, or if I have something sweet and go for a walk 30 minutes after that. Or will going for my walk without some substantial afternoon tea feel irritating and hungry, etc?
It takes many words to describe the process that I go through while listening to my potential energy levels, but in the body in reality it takes a few seconds or so.
This kind of process is described by Steve and Connirae Andreas in their book, Heart of the Mind, in the context of a Naturally Slender Eating Strategy. They used an NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) approach to reveal the unconscious process with which naturally slender people engage when eating. The process is very effective not only for modelling an eating strategy to become slender by seeing your own energy, but also for any small or big decision in life.
It is simply sensing in to your body, and feeling your body (rather than your brain) while imagining doing X, Y or Z, and checking whether you are likely to have or to feel more life energy, or less?
The more we practice this awareness to the energy we are filled with or depleted, the easier and more naturally it becomes to make wise choices in the smallest and biggest moments of each day. This eventually brings us to live a life which is rich with energy. I call it living life fully.
This way of seeing our own energy can be a wise guide in relationships, in health, professionally and in any area of life.
When you can detect your own energy and its relationship to what you did or what you are about to do, you become more accurate in reading others energy too.
Being well practiced in seeing your own energy and listening to it may become a “Jedi” like skill when you learn to read the nuances.
This skill may assist you in making the wisest observations about yourself and others, which I call The Art of Seeing.
If you are curious about it, and wish to make 2025 a very special year, you can learn and train in the week-long training of The Art of Seeing in March this year, 21/3/2025-27/3/2025, 9am-1pm, in Brighton, QLD, Australia.
You are welcome to write back and share your thoughts and ask any questions.
When I see children, I usually ask the parent/s to participate in the session. I can’t help the child without seeing the parents. Most of the work is actually with the parents when I see a child. Or more accurately, a lot of the work is with the child that this parent once was him or herself.
When I see adults, I never really see just the adult. I always see the child that this adult once was.
I see this big man in front of me as the boy he was growing up.
I feel how it feels to be in the body and height and weight of that child, in the clothes that this little boy was wearing. I feel how it feels to look at the adults in this child’s life from this child’s height and eyes, and how it feels to hear them from his ears and child’s brain, and I imagine clearly from this child’s brain what thoughts and conclusions can be made when the important adults in your life are treating you one way or another. Or not treating you at all.
I feel how it feels to be respected as a child or to be spanked with a wooden spoon. Did you ever think of the fact that when an adult hits a child with a spoon, not only does it hurt more as it hits the child’s body. The adult doesn’t feel at all the pain that they inflict.
This is not at all limited to therapy.
If you’ll have a look, you can see the little kid in any person you’re interacting with. Even with children by the way, you can see the younger child they were. You can see the little child in the person you’re interviewing, in the prime minister, in the real estate agent, in your child’s teacher, in your friend, etc.
When I see my husband, even when I’m upset with him, I see the boy that he was. When I interview a builder, I see the boy that he was, and the man this boy had become, and I immediately know this specific person is going to build the best house for me.
Go to the little child you were, and look at them, and really see that little child. And tell that child that you once were: I see you. I see you feel _________. What will this child feel if you could accurately tell them that you feel that they feel?
Most people report that their young self is teary, relieved, comforted, and so on. Even, and especially, if it is a tough emotion that you see them feeling.
It brings peace into your nervous system and to your sense of self to just be seen. As simple as that. Before we go fixing anything, first we need to be seen.
Seeing the tree in a seed and the seed in the tree.
If you’re fascinated about seeing the people around you deeply and you’ve considered joining The Art of Seeing training – this is the time!
Over the years I’ve found that there are questions that are like bullets. They shoot straight into the core.
Questions that help people to see themselves or others to their core in a new and profound way.
One of these questions is:
Please fill in:
Mum / Dad, I wish you could _________…
This question is helpful at any age, young or old. As a matter of fact, I find that people I see in their seventies tend to change the quickest.
It’s as if I’m asking: if you could ask the “Parents-Fairy” for a wish what would it be? My real question is: what are you lacking right now? But I find it shoots straight into the core when I ask people to please fill in:
Mum / Dad, I wish you could _________…
I feel that the outcome of any successful therapeutic process (or any successful growth process) is maturing into parenting yourself in the way you needed your parents to parent you. Your parents were lacking something themselves, in a way that made them unable to give you something basic and important that you needed.
Whatever the answer to this question is, I take the answer and bring it back to you as a gift to give yourself.
For example, often people say: “Mum, I wish you’d stop criticizing me about my parenting”.
I then ask them: what would you wish she do instead?
“Mum, I wish you’d tell me that I’m doing a good job parenting my children.”
I then tell them:
Tell yourself: “[Your name], please stop criticizing me for the way I parent.
[Your name], please tell me I’m doing a good job parenting my children.”
“Mum, please stop caring about what others think. Please pay attention to me and to what I truly need.”
“[Your name], please stop caring about what others think. Please pay attention to yourself and to what you truly need, Yael.”
“Dad, please work less and spend more time with me.”
“[Your name] please work less and spend more time with yourself.”
“Mum, please tell me the truth.”
“[Your name], please tell yourself the truth / please know your truth/ please trust your truth.”
I’ve given here only a few examples. The list is endless.
How do you know you’re in the right spot?
When you feel touched.
When you feel touched by saying back to yourself what you needed from your parents, you know you’re there. This can be your homework now: to parent yourself in that healthiest way that you needed which your parents couldn’t give you back then.
If you’ve found your own questions that help you SEE, you know how exciting and helpful this is. Please share them with me too.
I look forward to The Art of Seeing training, to share and to inspire you to taste the effects of words and other communications in a way that helps you SEE.
I am creating this training because I am a trainer and LOVE teaching. I call it being an edutainer. I love it when people come and have profound experiences, have fun, and learn so much. This kind of learning and teaching isn’t just fun and effortless, it also sinks deep inside, into different levels of our being. With this kind of learning, you don’t have to memorise a thing, or think and plan. Instead, you will find yourself in a state of flow in life and when you work with people. In this state of flow everything that you’ve learned by experience and having fun just comes and does the job through you. Of course, a nice ‘side effect’ of such training is the healing we often get by looking into our own issues and being SEEN during the exercises and the questions we ask in the training.
I warmly welcome you to the training and look forward to going through these special experiences together.
People from different walks of life have asked me if The Art of Seeing training is suitable for them, or if they are suitable for the training.
My husband and I were on our weekly walk together. My husband is an engineer and manages big projects.
My husband told me he is interviewing. He is looking for someone that can think a bit outside the box and have enough initiative to get big projects going.
He said to me, “I don’t know why I’m interviewing. You never know how the person you employ is going to do eventually. Only after they work for you for a while you can know”.
I replied “Well… why don’t you come to my training, ‘The Art of Seeing’ in November and learn how to know a lot about who the person is from a little chat with them?’
My husband did sit in all the NLP trainings I conducted back in Israel 20 years ago. He was assisting me with the technical aspects. While he sat there quietly, he did also learn a lot.
Since he needs to know it now, he asked me if I could give him a clue. A clue about how could he know a lot about who the person is from just a little interview.
I spontaneously gave him a few questions. He was so happy that he wrote them down quickly and uses them now in his interviewing process.
Here are a couple of the questions I gave him:
# Tell me about your work experience, but not about how many years or what role. Tell me about your internal experience: how did you feel, how did you think, what did you see? (This one is my husband’s favourite question.)
# Tell me about a holiday in which something went completely wrong / not as you planned. (This one is my favourite question.)
# How do you know that you did a good job? It can be doing a good job in a project, or even better, in making dinner or anything interesting that you did.
I helped my husband understand how you can know so much about the person from their answers as well as from the way they relate to the questions. About how someone with enough initiative will find it interesting to answer these kinds of questions. While, someone with low initiative will struggle with the questions in and of themselves and will find it difficult to relate to the questions.
My daughter heard our discussion about it later at home. She liked it too. She’s on a student job hunt now. She said she wished her interviewers asked her these kinds of questions too. Underlying this wish is the wish to truly be seen for how capable she is. To be seen for what she truly is, rather than what her interviewer needs to tick off their list.
If you are curious about The Art of Seeing, if you are passionate about being able to see people truly and deeply, you’ve ticked the main prerequisite for the training! We welcome you to join us as a wonderful part of the training group, whatever walk of life you come from.
On a personal note: I am a trainer and LOVE teaching. I call it being an edutainer. I love it when people come and have profound experiences, have fun, and learn so much. This kind of learning and teaching isn’t just fun and effortless, it also sinks deep inside, into different levels of our being. With this kind of learning, you don’t have to memorise a thing, or think and plan. Instead, you will find yourself in a state of flow in life and when you work with people. In this state of flow everything that you’ve learned by experience and having fun just comes and does the job through you.
I warmly welcome you to the training and look forward to going through these special experiences together.
Have you ever had an experience of being seen, in a way that touched you to your core? Imagine what that feels like to be seen in this way. Without saying much at all. Without making an effort. Without explaining what you yourself don’t even know.
A young adult came to see me. It was her first session. She was depressed and anxious and had been taking antidepressants for too many years for someone so young. She reported that she suffered severe side effects but still continued to take them, although they didn’t relieve her anxiety and depression. I asked her: ‘why do you continue taking them if you suffer all these severe side effects and don’t get any benefit?’ Her answer was: ‘Because the doctor wants me to take them’. ‘Does he know about your side effects?’ ‘Yes, but he still wants me to take them.’ ‘So you take these pills that give you all this pain, because he wants you to take them?’ ‘Yes.’ Then I felt something strongly and asked her: Had you been molested as a child? She was very surprised about the question and answered that she had been molested as a child. We had a long chat about her childhood trauma and about doing what people want you to do.
She came back and in her second session she shared with me how much better she felt and that she felt it was a turning point in her wellbeing. When I asked her for permission to share this story here, not only did she give me her permission and blessing. She also wrote back that she thinks it is a very important message to be spread, and that being seen can sometimes be life changing.
Would you like to know how to see people to their core within minutes? Would you like to do that without them having to explain, without having to think, but from a place of flow?
Human beings live inside stories. We are born into a story and live in it from the day we are born.
We are most often unaware that it is a story, and mistake it for reality. We are convinced it is reality, that things are this way, and that things should be one way or another. This causes us great pain and occupies our thoughts and actions in unnecessarily painful ways.
I like to imagine looking at human life from the point of view of an alien from outer space:
Seeing so many humans struggle with weight, entrenched in a story that only a certain weight “looks good” and will “make them happy”. Seeing so many humans entrenched in a story that they “should be happy”/have a lot of friends/ have an amazing wedding party or birthday party/ get to the top, etc. We forget or are unaware that these are only stories. We try and try to make our lives fit into these stories perfectly – otherwise we cannot be happy.
I went for a paddle this morning, expecting it to be “paddle perfect”, that the water will be mirror-like calm. By the time I got the kayak into the water and started paddling, the wind picked up slightly. The water became choppy and I had to work harder to paddle. I knew I wouldn’t be able to see as much marine life as I would if it was “paddle perfect”, mirror-like, calm water. I began to let myself be disappointed and thought about turning back. It didn’t meet my story that paddles should be “paddle perfect”. Then, I caught myself with my story. I let myself see if I could enjoy the imperfect paddle, as is. I noticed that my body is enjoying the motion of paddling and being outdoors. I had a wonderful experience of enjoying what is, rather than suffering from my unmet expectations – my story.
I see couples who love each other very much, but let themselves be disappointed when their partner doesn’t meet their story of how things should be.
Some couples, even after being together for decades haven’t yet formed their “us” story. A couple comes from two families. That means that there are two different stories that can’t both be met. This is a new, third story that the couple needs to write together.
To practice surrendering and going beyond the stories, be curious, identify and observe the story behind anything that you are unhappy or worried about.
Once you’ve become aware of the story, it is possible to start practicing surrendering to what is.
Start with little things, such as my surrender during my paddle. It’s like when you’re making a recipe and miss an ingredient. You find some other way to make that recipe from what is available. Often it turns out great, at times even better than the original recipe.
Look at the partner that you have, instead of at the partner that you ‘should’ have according to your story.
When you’re ready, surrender to bigger things such fear of dying, disease, and things not going the way you planned.
Practice surrendering to all possibilities, including those that go against our stories. Surrendering to the possibilities that we don’t like is what enables us to be at peace. Ironically, being at peace with what we don’t like decreases our chances of having to meet these unwanted possibilities. Even unwanted events such as dying or illness can be met with calmness when we surrender to what is beyond the story we tell ourselves. The story that we should live to a certain age, or be in a certain state, or achieve a certain achievement. As my mentor Louise says: “The purpose of life is life”.
Family Constellations workshops are a deep and profound way to identify your unconscious stories and start practicing surrender. It gives us an ability to identify unconscious stories that run in families for generations. These insights are only possible to gain in a group setting.
