After repeated requests from my clients, today I am going to attempt to put in writing one of my most important metaphors and concepts for emotional well being and relationship wellbeing. So bear with me.
Let’s look at a situation where a child goes with a parent to the park, and during play has a fall and gets a big painful bloody scrape all over their elbow and forearm.
I’ll present here my observation of three parenting styles, which I call parenting styles A, B and See:
Parenting style A would look like this:
“Oh no!!! Oh no!!! You’re hurt! It’s terrible! Oh my God! It is so painful! I wish I could take away the pain from you! Look at all this blood! We’ll get you to the hospital and get it stitched up!”
This child will probably feel anxious and perhaps even panicked. They may know they are loved, but they will mostly feel more scared.
There is a covert unconscious underlying message here:
Pain shouldn’t be a part of life. It is not OK to have pain. Pain is too much for me as your parent.
Parenting style B would look like this:
“That’s nothing! Get over it! Stop crying! Don’t be a baby!”
Or, it could be ignoring or not responding much at all.
This child will probably feel ashamed and confused. The child is experiencing pain, and all this blood is scary, but they are told to not cry and they are told it is nothing, or they get no response while they are in pain and fear.
Interestingly enough, the covert unconscious underlying message here is the same as in parenting style A:
Pain shouldn’t be a part of life. It is not OK to have pain. Pain is too much for me as your parent.
Parenting style See would look like this:
“Oh, darling, that must hurt. And it also looks scary with all this blood.
I know it hurts so much and it’s hard to believe it’s going to go away, but I’ve had those and I know the pain is going to go away in a few minutes.
It will hurt for a few minutes and then it will go away on its own. It may still hurt later, but not nearly as much.
The bleeding is also going to stop soon.
It hurts a lot now, and soon the pain will go away, and you are going to be alright.
Let’s get it washed, and then if you want you can get back to playing, and if you prefer, we can go back home and have a rest.”
The covert unconscious underlying message here is:
Pain is a part of life.
Life has joy, and life has pain.
(You play and you may get injured, and that’s ok).
It’s completely ok to have pain, it’s just a natural part of life. It comes and then it goes away on its own when we just accept it when it comes and let it do what it needs to do in us.
And also:
I’m here with you. It’s ok that you have pain. I’m here with you. I care about you. I’m not trying to fix you. I can’t take away your pain, this pain is yours. I’m completely ok with just being with you as you let the pain be.
This child will most likely feel validated, cared for, assured, loved. They will know it is ok to have pain, these things happen, I can deal with this pain, and I will be ok.
Next time something of that sort happens to this child they will know they can handle it and may regulate themselves well and get back to playing or feel fine with taking time to recover.
These are not only parenting styles. These are relational styles, in which we relate not only to children, but also to others, to partners, and most interestingly, to ourselves.
It is of course important to apply to any kind of pain: emotional, spiritual, social, etc. not only physical pain:
- Let yourself and anyone else feel any emotion they feel, joyful or painful.
- Acknowledge your or their pain and let yourself or them bear it, until it does what it needs to do and goes away.
Don’t try to take it away or fix it straight away. Don’t try to shut it down or shame yourself or the other person for feeling what they feel or needing what they need. Don’t try to make it not OK that the person or you is feeling pain, emotional or other pain. - Be there with yourself or the other person as they experience the pain. Just be present. That’s all.
Applying this to ANXIETY is a very important example:
Parents who worry a lot when their child is anxious and try to make sure the child won’t become anxious, engage in parenting style A. They are scared of their child’s fear. And that unconsciously contributes to the child’s anxiety and exacerbates it and eventually creates anxious children. When a child sees that big person who gave them life being scared of their fear or pain, they get the sense that something may be really wrong with them.
Parents who ignore their child’s anxiety or tell the child to “just get over it”, are engaging in parenting style B. That creates shame in the child and they may learn to suppress emotions and be detached from emotions and shame others when others around them are having emotions.
Parents that SEE their child’s anxiety will first acknowledge it, saying: “I see you are scared / anxious / worried about this. I totally get this.” Then they will give permission for the child to have the pain of anxiety: “It is ok that you feel this way. All humans feel anxious at times, it’s a part of being a human being. It’s probably a good idea to give it a go even when you are scared, and let’s just see what happens.” In this way, SEEing parents help children to be ok with their pain of anxiety. They are a healthy role model of a calm stable leader in the presence of the pain of anxiety.
It is most important to parent your own anxious mind in style See, just as if it was a little scared child-part in you: when you’re anxious, don’t be scared of your anxiety and avoid (parenting style A). don’t be mad at yourself for being anxious (parenting style B). Just acknowledge that you are anxious, give yourself the permission to feel what you feel even if what you feel is the pain of anxiety. And then let yourself go ahead with what you’re anxious about while you allow your body to feel the fear.
It’s also worthwhile to relate in style See to your partner. Instead of panicking when your partner is complaining (style A), instead of telling them they are wrong and you are right and they have to understand that (style B), acknowledge what they are complaining about and how they must feel: “I get it that it frustrates you. It is frustrating, of course it is”. Then give them permission to have their pain: “you are allowed to be frustrated with me, how could you not be.” And then you want to parent yourself in style See at the same time: “it’s also ok that I feel scared when you complain. One of us can feel frustrated or angry and the other is allowed to feel scared at the same time. And we can still love each other at the same time.”
Parent style See is the calm stable leader. It’s your own calm stable leadership, and it will tend to be effective when relating to others.
In my work with people a big part is to learn to parent / relate in style See, to yourself, and to others, especially to children and partners, but essentially to anybody else such as clients and patients, managers and employees, or a random person you have to deal with.
An important part of this work I do unconsciously during any interaction with my clients, in the session or even in text messages concerning technical matters.
I hope this is helpful to you.
You are welcome to continue exploring this in 1:1 and in couple’s sessions.
If you are intrigued and curious to know more and learn how to make parenting and relating style See your natural relational style with anyone, in any situation, join us in The Art of Seeing training.
You are welcome to write back and share your thoughts and ask any questions.
Warmly,
Yael
