By Yael Reiss
Imagine a life in which you
Take your time:
To cook
To love
To sleep
To fall in love again
To breath
To eat
To look at the sunlight breaking on the waves
To go for a walk
To catch up with a good friend
To listen to your body
To listen to your soul
To really listen
To listen to what really someone is saying
To really be with those you really love
To hug
To embrace
To embrace the beauty
To embrace what you have
To enjoy
To have fun
To be
Take your time to heal yourself
By Yael Reiss
All human beings and all their problems somehow can sum down into one simple thing:
We all try to avoid pain.
The problem with avoiding pain is that life has pain in it. Life has pain and life has joy in it. By trying to avoid the pain in life we try to avoid a part of life, thus we always minimize our lives, in the fruitless attempts to avoid something that cannot be avoided.
Think about any problem that you are stuck with. What is the pain that you are trying to avoid?
When you are courageous enough to stop avoiding this pain and letting yourself go through it, that’s when the problem will no longer be a problem.
When people allow themselves to go through the pain, they come out of it on the other side. Often people come out on the other side of pain stronger and perhaps even more joyful than before.
An extremely important example is avoiding the pain in grief of separation. I see people who are in relationships that are damaging themselves, their partner and the children – and they feel unable to leave the relationship.
The same with not letting go of a workplace that is no longer healthy for the person, a friendship that is consuming energy in unhealthy ways, etc.
It is not an inability to leave the relationship. It is unwillingness to experience the pain of grief in separation.
Only people who go through the grief, with all the pain in it, can come out on the other side of grief with energy to live life fully again.
In my view, Mother Nature has given us grief, like any emotion, so when it goes through us, it has a certain energy that does what is needed to be done.
As we go through the pain of no-longer-having-what-or-who-we-had, when we come out on the other side of grief, we feel a renewed energy to participate in life in a new way.
This is only one example of the importance of being brave enough to stop trying to avoid pain. Because each time we try to avoid pain, in an ironic way, it tends to prolong the pain and put us into some kind of suffering anyway.
In each family there is always an emotional pain that was attempted to be avoided throughout the generations. This is often when people find themselves overwhelmed with trying to figure out what is wrong.
Family Constellations workshops are a very special and effective way to let yourself look into and safely experience the pain that was avoided through generations in your family.
Doing so, you will be the first brave person in your family in generations to have gone through that familiar pain, and out to the other side of it. Enabling yourself, as well as the generations to come, to live life fully in a new way.
FamilyConstellations
By Yael Reiss
You might be familiar with the Star Wars motto: May the force be with you.
I have a motto in life, that I say just slightly differently to the Star Wars one:
May YOU be with the force.
What do I mean?
Have you ever felt you were stuck in a situation or in life in general? That something just doesn’t flow, it’s just HARD, difficult, it doesn’t work, you’re not sure about it and can’t make up your mind, it doesn’t feel right, it feels wrong, you’re doing it because you HAVE TO, because YOU SHOULD, because you HAVE NO CHOICE, it’s boring, time is just soooo slowwwww, your energy is not into it, etc.
Basically, whatever it is that you’re stuck on, just seems to suck more and more of your energy.
That is what happens when you go against your life force.
Your life force is your life energy, your soul or spirit, it’s YOU.
In that place where you are just purely your life force there are no fears or worries or concerns, there are no agendas and no attachment to outcomes. It’s just purely you, your life force, your life energy.
Your soul and life force tends to flow to wherever it is that is your soulful: places, activities, people, hobbies, occupation, etc. When you let your life force flow, you get more and more energy from whatever it it you are doing, so although you put energy into doing it, you only seem to end up with much more energy:
When you are in these places that for you are soulful, you feel alive; when you are engaging in these activities you feel energized; when you are being with these people you feel calm and experience love and kindness; while engaging with these hobbies you lose track of time; and while “working” in an occupation that feels that you were born to do, that feels like a hobby, it feels effortless, you feel that you are just playing and having fun and even get paid well to do that! That is YOU – your soul and life force.
When you keep out of the way of your life force, it flows effortlessly and what you feel is joy and ease. You always get more and more energy.
Unfortunately in our society, culture, day and age, too many of us have learnt to believe that making a living while spending time with loved ones or in any way living effortlessly – isn’t possible in reality. And so we’ve learnt mostly to resist and stand in the way of our life force, preventing it from just naturally and effortlessly flowing.
To relearn the simple and magical fact of your life force and how to let yourself live life effortlessly and joyfully is, in a way, to become today’s Jedi. It is quite simple and possible actually, believe it or not. In one sentence it can be summed up: Keeping out of the way of your life force, and letting it flow. Or: May YOU be with the force.
The Family Constellations workshops, especially being a representative/resonating, is a wonderful way to experience and learn this simple ability we all possess: to be with the force. So, come join us to the upcoming workshop!
By Yael Reiss
What has Mother Nature given us emotions for?
The way I see it, Mother Nature had to have a really good and very simple reason to have given us emotions.
She’s given us a whole array of different emotions.
Have you noticed that each emotion comes and fills us with different energy?
I feel that Mother Nature has given us this variety of emotions, each of them giving us a certain kind of energy to do what is needed to be done at a certain moment.
For instance:
She’s given us ANGER in order to keep our boundaries intact.
When someone is trespassing our boundary, we become angry.
Mother Nature intended us to use this energy in a way that is efficient and effective – not too little not too much, achieving safety in a healthy boundary.
BUT, in modern society, people are scared to let this energy that we call anger go through them. Instead, they bottle it up. A bottled up emotion, is an emotion that we didn’t let go through us and do what it came here to do. This unspent emotion then rots. Rotten anger is what we know as resentment, as rage, or as depression. It’s an emotional abscess: it rots you from within as resentment and depression do, or it bursts out unpleasantly at the external world as rage.
Only when we have the courage to let each emotion go through us and fulfil it’s energy, can we enjoy the original purpose it came here for, as well as not having to suffer the consequences of bottling it up for the long term.
Anger is just one example, enough for this short post. Mother Nature of course had a great reason to give us each of the other emotions, such as love, shame, guilt, calm, etc. I might write about them some time.
All families have emotional abscesses that have been ascending down generations. Emotions that were bottled and trapped and unspent in our parents, grandparents and even further down the generations. This undealt-with emotion, which no one in the family so far has had the courage to face and learn how to let through them in a way that is effective – this emotion comes down to us so naturally. We are born into it and believe that that is how life is and should be. Or if we already know that that is NOT how life should be, we still find it extremely unsafe to experience it, and we don’t even know know how, as we’ve never seen it done properly.
Systemic Family Constellations workshop is a great opportunity to experience that emotion that is trapped on your lineage, in a safe way, that enables it to fulfil itself in you (and in your children) in the future.
By Yael Reiss
The bird takes shelter in the tree and feeds off the worms that inhabit the tree.
The tree finds itself giving shelter to the bird.
The tree enjoys the protection the bird gives it by eating the worms off of it.
The bird nourishes the tree with her droppings.
This is a perfect balance between give and receive.
No one is making any effort.
Just by being,
both the bird and the tree are reciprocating, effortlessly.
Any healthy relationship has that natural balance of give and receive.
The only place that this balance comes in a different way, naturally, is between parents and children: Parents give, and children receive.
When these children have drunk enough from the fountain of their giving parents,
when they grow up, their own fountain is full,
and now they have something to give to their children.
So children give onwards to their children what they received from their parents.
It’s a cascade of give and receive.
From one generation to the next.
Mother Nature’s natural flow of energy.
Except for when humans interfere with mother nature’s plans,
and create multi-generational trauma,
of parents that can’t give,
who raise children that don’t have from whom to receive.
They then don’t get to quench their thirst by the fountain of giving parents,
so their giving cup is empty.
And when they become parents, instead of giving, they are busy trying to receive, from their own children.
And that’s when you see children that learn that life is only about giving, and no place for receiving.
Those neglected children grow into adults that only know to give,
and do not know to receive.
They replicate this give-only survival strategy in any context of life: work, couple relationship, friendships. It is draining. To always give and never receive.
People who give-only can address this survival strategy. They can find ways to feel safe and joy in this world, finding reciprocating ways of connecting,
enjoying the natural balance of giving and receiving.
Systemic Family Constellations workshop or 1:1 session is one of the best ways to address issues that run in families.
How well do you sleep ?
How many hours a night?
If the answers to the above questions are less than good and less than 8 hours, reading this book could change your life and even SAVE your life:
Why We Sleep? By Matthew Walker.
This is my book recommendation of the day
It’s not an easy read at times, but the author says he will take it as a compliment if you fall asleep while reading it.
Some of you might find it easier to start with Matt’s short talks on YouTube, such as this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb6hgt6Ed-Y , or this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRp5AC9W_F8
In the book you will learn some interesting facts, such as:
Happy reading, watching and sleeping,
Yael
* You are also invited to come for a session/s to get some help to make your sleep very sleepy.
Learning about what you can do to sleep well, addressing the stresses that prevent you from sleeping, and getting some hypnotherapy can really help.
For sessions availability and cost click here.
Warmly,
Yael
Are you looking for something to watch on Netflix?…
Did you hear about the Netflix series Another Self???
They base it on Family Constellations!!!
And they actually do a great job, considering it’s just a TV series and not a documentary!
So if you’ve ever wondered what are these weird Family Constellations workshops, here’s a chance to get an idea, and enjoy the series at the same time.
Everyone I know who’s started watching it were immediately hooked, including my mother-in-law!
Here is the trailer:
https://youtu.be/Pzl33KQP8b4
(It is in Turkish, and you have subtitles and audio options in English and other languages)
Is it Shameful to Go to Counselling / Psychotherapy?
I say that having a problem is not a problem – the problem is not addressing the problem.
Having problems is a part of life and it just means you’re alive.
Not addressing your problem is when problems expand to affect too many areas or people in your life.
We are a social animal and were not designed to deal with everything unaided on our own.
In modern society people are often shamed or feel shame for seeking help.
Traditionally, in every society there are people whose role is to be of emotional help and guidance: the shaman, the rabbi, the priest, the mentor, etc. Nowadays it’s also counsellors, mentors and different psychotherapists.
Don’t shame yourself for being responsible and seeking help for your emotional problems.
Just like when you build a house and you look for a good builder, a good tiler, a good plasterer and a good plumber – when you build your life, your relationships and confidence – you can look for a good professional.
Enjoy the guidance you can naturally benefit from as a human being who is going through different times in your life.
Warmly,
Yael
By Yael Reiss
The Unwritten Law of Genuine Goodness
Over the years of my own life and years of working with others on their personal lives, I’ve found an unwritten law of life, an observation, about doing what is genuinely good for one person.
When you choose to do something that is genuinely good for you,
sooner or later,
it will be good for everyone else.
And vice versa:
When you do something that is genuinely NOT good for you,
sooner or later,
it will NOT be good for everyone else.
Don’t work out of guilt, don’t try to please others or second guess what others expect, do not abandon yourself.
Doing what is genuinely good for you isn’t selfish.
Doing what is genuinely good for you is always eventually the best choice, for everyone.
Going against this unwritten law of life can bring pain to you and to others.
Systemic Family Constellations workshops are a great way to observe this, and enable lifting inner and systemic family blockages that block you from doing what is genuinely good, for you, and so also for others.
By Yael Reiss
When I was 7 years old my parents split. Although it was a painful shock, it did not come completely as a surprise.
In my 20’s, I remember saying to my Dad that one day I’ll find a man and I’ll find the way to live happily ever after with him.
My father’s childhood with his parents as well as his relationship with my mother didn’t bring him to be a great believer in the reality of ‘happily ever after’. Still, he wished me behatslaha, which in Hebrew we say to mean: may success be with you.
And so, from early adulthood I somehow scanned the world around me to notice people who seem to enjoy their relationship. When I found such a person, I stopped and asked them ‘How do you do it? How do you make your relationship work so well?’ I did it while chatting to random people I met along the way, as well as in my research thesis for my Masters degree at uni.
In my early 20’s, while staying at a guest house in Holland for professional training, I heard an older colleague on the phone to her husband speaking in a very loving way. Of course I asked her if she was happy in her relationship, and how she achieved that. She replied: ‘A relationship is like a garden. You always have to water it, to weed, to fertilize, to pull something out and put something else instead, etc. It’s being willing to put this effort in continuously throughout the years‘. Also, she said ‘That is what helped us go through the first 30 difficult years, so now it is in a good flow, a bit like a mostly self-maintaining garden‘.
Well, I believe that one of the most important things in life is a couple’s relationship.
When a couple’s relationship is strained, when the ability to be relational with others in a healthy way is strained, life is impacted in many dimensions: physical health and general well being, quality of sleep, employment and more. Not only the person themselves have their life impacted by lacking ability to be relational and connected, but also everyone around them will be burdened by it: children, partner, ex-partner, students, employees, customers etc.
Children who grow up with parents that are caught in a dysfunctional relationship do not only suffer from being around their parents while they engage in this relationship. They learn and model this dysfunctional way of relating to others and will engage in it as children as well as duplicate it in this way or another in their couple relationships when they become adults. And so they pass it to their children and on it goes…
Hence, by working on their relationship, people are helping not only themselves, but also the generations to come. As most relational problems are “learnt” in childhood, couples with children do a great service to their children later on in life, as well as to their grandchildren to come, providing them a healthy role model and a healthy relational environment to grow up in and develop healthy ways of being relational from childhood onwards. (It’s a “pay for one, get four for free” kind of thing…)
I had to do this work myself as my parents didn’t work on their relational dysfunctionality and skills. I have been doing this work for myself, for my partner and for my children and grandchildren to come.
Relationality is my passion. I study and learn about it constantly and am passionate about becoming a champion at it in my own private life. And it is also my most important responsibility.
I believe one of our main responsibilities in life is to better ourselves as partners. (And after that to better our relational skills with our children and then with all others). I know it might sound big: I deeply believe it’s our way to make the world a better place. Imagine what would happen if all adult humans on our planet would be dedicated to better themselves in their relationship. Wouldn’t the world be a much better place?
My approach and the ways I work with couples and individuals on their relationships is refreshingly different from the mainstream. This work tends to start a shift quite quickly in many couples, and even cases in which a longer period of time is required for mending and healing the relationship, an important shift is likely to start form the first session.
Make great relationality your hobby and your passion
You are invited to start by coming to sessions to learn, explore, heal and better your relationality.
To know more about my approach to couples therapy visit my Couples Therapy page.
Information about my working hours and sessions cost is on my Contact page.
Yael, our intimacy guru!
My partner and I contacted Yael after trying other psychologists for four years. We learnt a lot in that time but nothing close to what Yael taught us. She is a highly skilled professional who is incredibly knowledgeable. Yael helped us to unpack some really important parts of ourselves that we weren’t aware of, so that we could approach our relationship in a more loving way. Her magic has worked many times and we are so happy to be communicating really well and enjoying intimacy together, for the first time in a long time. I’m sure we will need her assistance again one day, but until then she has given us great tools to work on our relationship together. Yael saved our relationship and we are so grateful for her.
For more Testimonials click here